im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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