i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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