I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
