Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
