I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
