we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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