I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Randomize
