Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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