just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
