Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
