he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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