I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
