I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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