I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
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