I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
