Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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