Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
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