3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I want to have your abortion
Can Purell be used as lube?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
