My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
you didnt know i had herpes?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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