He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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