my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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