I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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