So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
