somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
