I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
