I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize
