i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
