My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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