her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
