if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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