that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Randomize
