Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize
