so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
