My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
