Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
