it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
