I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
