I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
