My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
my shit smells like andre
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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