You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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