you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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