They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
