Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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