The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
