her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
you are never too drunk for berry picking
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
