The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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