can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
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i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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