Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Randomize
