you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
