peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
