Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
She needs sedatives and a leash
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
