I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
