Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize
