I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
