It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
My life is pants optional.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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