I will die if light touches me.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
