My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
